ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
