I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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