everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My dick has a subreddit
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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