oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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