Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
