Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
