Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
