Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
