She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
