I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
