what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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