life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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