DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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