My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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