smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
