Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
