There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time