forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
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there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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