I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We had to coat check the pizza.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
