It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
