The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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