just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
