If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize