oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
