If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
