Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
