His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
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You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
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