dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
