The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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