'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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