I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
