He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
