A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?