Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
