I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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