my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
