i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
