I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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