this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
