Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
