i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
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I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
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I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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