I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
