That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
