nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
