I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
