Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
