the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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