just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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