you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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