I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
