mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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