just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
