Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
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My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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