We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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