I like my sex mixed with concussions.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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