I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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