I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
