when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
