Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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