I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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