the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
